According to John Bolby a child can grow up to have 4 attachment style patterns. Out if which 3 are insecure and one is secure attachment in life. There are so many ways in which our parents can go wrong in parenting and raising us and so less ways to make it right. It’s like we are all doomed to fail. This whole destiny conspires for us fail as parents, children, siblings, lovers. As if all relationships are doomed to hurt and break. Just the things and people we expect to support us and help us grow, make us weaker and helpless in the end.

A damsel in distress: Thoughts on Life and Responsibilities
A damsel in distress: Thoughts on Life and Responsibilities

I am not trying to make any grand point here or discover a new theory of life. I am just trying to understand myself. It is not enough for me to be certain of that I have an insecure attachment; that I will always be too afraid or too anxious. Every time I fall in love with somebody it will reflect upon my relationships of past. I will be afraid to get hurt or to get abandoned. I will always be the little child whose been thrown out of secure base 3 months prior to her due date.  I will always be that pre-mature, sick baby whose been stuffed into a glass cage and left alone to heal herself. I will always have that infant inside me who cannot even cry loud enough for others to hear her plea and soothe her. I will always have that little girl inside of me who trusted others and kept their little secret. I will always be this young adult who feels her parents failed to protect her from the inside, be it in the mind or inside a golden cage.

My bucket of emotions and relationships feels to be over-flowing right now. I came home hoping for the worst and now I just can’t look at it in any other way.  Every time I talk to the adults of my house I am made to feel like I am just on the wrong path. Every time my thought makes me question my relationship with him. Is it right? Is it okay? Am I doing wrong by being with a guy who is not interested in marrying me? I am lying to my parents and hiding from them, and the weight of all these secrets is just pulling me down. I am not strong enough to hold it, or to put it down. I cannot break up with him, but then how do I stop feeling like I am cheating on my parents. They want me to study hard and get a great job and not go on any wrong path or not spend too much time on the phone
True, he has these parents. He has a mom he can rely upon, he trusts and he would do anything for her. I DON’T. I cannot do ‘ANYTHING’ for my parents. I cannot give them this unconditional trust. I lost it. I wanted to have that for him, but I don’t know how to build it up with all these fights and cheating and miscommunication and unmet needs. I don’t know how to build up this trust and security with him when my parents always remind me of how I cannot trust anyone but them! BUT I CANNOT EVEN TRUST THEM TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS FOR ME.

And if I cannot trust him and if I cannot depend on him to be right for me to understand me and support me, to help me grow. I cannot do it on anybody else! Certainly not me…. but he is just a child himself. Just a boy, barely an adult. He has his own life and responsibilities. I am the one who is gripped by these feeling of loneliness. I have so many people in my family to take care of me but I don’t want them to do it. I can’t let them do it.  

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